Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Wallow, wallow, wallow...

Where can I go to wallow?  You know - it's that place just between self pity, pity party for one and ball up and cry in a corner.  I feel pretty selfish about a good wallow - after al, as a wife, mom and my other 600 hats I seem to now wear, I just really don't have a lot of time to dedicate to a good wallow.  And I'm pretty blessed so why am I thinking I get to wallow?  I have a house, clothes, food on my plate, ability to pay bills, healthy family and so many other blessings - so even more reason for feeling selfish about a wallow.

However, I'm having an issue with embracing transition and changes that are coming at this juncture in my life.  Now don't get me wrong, I embrace change.   I embrace adventures and new journeys.  I embrace anything that involves my husband and our time together.  It's just that, right now, the transition doesn't allow us the luxury of time together and so with the hats I'm wearing, the chores mounting up on my never ending list and deadlines quickly approaching - it finds me a mood.  And it's not the most pleasant I've ever been in.

My training is still center stage and keeps me sane, and that may just explain why I ran 10 miles today on the TM.  When I hit mile 4, my groin and knee acted up again, and for a moment, I thought I'd have to call an end to the training.  But on the TV was the non-stop coverage of yesterday's Boston Marathon bombing and I knew that no matter how my groin or my knee felt, I would press on and go as far as I could within my allowed time.  And so...I made 10 miles and decided I should probably call it a good night of training.

Yesterday, April 15th, a day most of us know as tax day was the Boston Marathon.  Which excites me so much more then paying the IRS and I always make sure I tone in for it.  After all, it is one of the most prestigious marathons (if not the most) that I know of and I'm fairly certain, one that I will never get to run (you have to qualify with a certain time for your certain age group).  And everyone who knows me, knows I'm not speedy - just consistent.  So yesterday, after dropping off that dreaded IRS envelope at the USPS, I headed over for a cleansing run to the gym and with joy & admiration in my heart, I watched in great delight as the elites crossed the finish line, just as I was crossing my self imposed TM finish line!

Not but a couple of hours later, I finally flipped on the home TV to probably the third most un nerving moments I've bared witness to on TV as an adult.  I would be immobilized for most of the day.  Trying to figure out why isn't a concept I can deal with.  I don't understand evil, I don't understand what motivates people to hurt others.  But I do know that my God didn't allow it.

I was disturbed today by the many facebook postings, asking "how could God allow such a thing".  Hmmm, a mighty heavy question to answer and one I don't feel that I can adequately answer.  But I can share what I understand from my relationship with Him - He doesn't allow bad things to happen.  He gives man free will and how many chooses to use freewill is to our own consequence.  The God I know surely greeted those that passed away yesterday with open arms.  He will at some point bring peace and comfort to those families and friends when they turn to Him.  He will also administer His justice in the end.

And so today, I think much of my wallow is contributed to the fact that I'm feeing overwhelmed, overburdened and a bit emotional about transition and Boston - which brought on this wallow - which brought on a 10 mile run in 1:22:10 - which is a personal best for that kind of mileage.  Maybe, a good wallow every once in a while is good thing?
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